I Kill Giants movie: Feels personal to me

Sometimes, there are films that connect to you. And this is such a film to me. Seeing it felt like a glimpse of my past. Somehow, it unearthed forgotten memories that included feelings of not belonging not only in school but also at home.

(photos taken from the movie on Netflix)

I found myself going back to my high school days, a kid coming from the province, a newcomer in all girls Catholic school in the city. I was the girl with the white-rimmed thick glasses who cannot fix her necktie properly in her new school uniform. I was surrounded by these “cool” girls, the pretty ones who had their own clique and were admired by the boys outside. Then there were the student leaders, the teachers’ favorites, and the volleyball stars who were also the pretty girls while I belonged to the misfits. My first close friend there had a harelip, Jo. She was the only one who was interested in who I am and where I came from. We were friends with the others who were also “weird” in their own ways. We were just there in the background not making any attention to ourselves.

It’s hard to watch a character that reminded you of the times when you felt so insecure of your looks, of not belonging, of your capabilities. Like the character, who created her world with giants, I also immersed in creating imaginary worlds that time to escape my own reality, of the personal matters I had to deal with not only in school but also at home. During that period, I liked to write in my little notebooks writing juvenile love stories about crushes and making up French sounding names for my characters like Francois which I found in a baby naming book.

I think sometimes we create another world of reality like Barbara, the heroine in the film so we can cope with what is happening outside us. That character was dealing her mother’s sickness which the character does not want to confront. She had this idea that if she conquered her imaginary giants, she would make her mother well.

And it is only when she faced the “giants” of her own realities that truly liberated her from her own fears. For her, it was the illness of her mother and the possibility of her death. It was when she faced that reality and realize that all things in our time is finite like what the "giant" said did she finally open up to the world again. It is important we still embrace life despite this realization like the giant said because it is only then can we truly live it.

But conquering our own fears and insecurities cannot be done alone. Sometimes, we need others to see the beauty and goodness in us not necessarily our family but friends and other adults who can see beyond the wall we put up to hide our own fears and insecurities. For her, it was her friend Sophia and her guidance counselor.

For me that time, it was my friend, Jo and my Aunt Lourdes who had since died. They were the ones who made me feel seen and accepted for who I am.  They helped me during those confusing times. Being a teenager in a new city with parents away from home had been a difficult phase for me and I think that time writing saved me. I was able to do some journaling to untangle my thoughts, escape through the characters and worlds I created and say things I would not have expressed in reality.

Maybe now that I’m adult, writing is still an escape to me, an outlet to the rigors of life but somehow it had been more like a friend I can confide to and a venue to create alternate worlds with characters that people can root for and find hope in. And though there are still parts of me that feel like a misfit in high school, I have embraced it and accepted that I’m different and that’s okay too. We are all unique in our own way, we’re all unique beings. But it doesn’t mean that our differences with others should hinder us from interacting with them because only when we share ourselves and our talents to the world can we fully live this life.

 

My love affair with writing

Life becomes so complicated sometimes. All I just want to do is read and write. I just want to write because I have all these amazing blogs waiting for content. But life gets in the way and writing have been pushed back lately. I am writing this now while my husband and son are still sleeping. We are going on a trip for my mother-in-law's birthday and I will hustle later because our bags are not yet packed. Damn. To think, I just came from a construction site yesterday talking to the contractor for a small space we have been building out of town. It's almost done after a year of going back and forth to the Home Depot picking up tiles, lights and other stuff. I am almost done too with a website for my food blog, coordinating with my website designer but still it is a work in progress. I can't seem to let go of my site on Blogger. I decided I will still maintain it due to sentimental reasons, yes, I am a sentimental fool. Meanwhile, I wake up early mornings to cook my son's lunch and drive him to school everyday and to his once a week speech therapy session. 

So I just miss writing. Sometimes, I wish I could have a house near the beach and just write. My throat feels scratchy now maybe from all this stress but still I write. It's like a lover you come back to again and again, enjoying your sweet time together exploring worlds, swimming in imagination, lying back in sands of calmness. Then suddenly boom! your son demands dinner (already!) then you realize you have to let him go (close your laptop), this handsome, breathtaking stud with deep, soulful eyes with a gruff beard. You have to return back home where hard, practical reality awaits. 

If only I could just run away with this dark, handsome lover and leave it all behind. Like making writing my thing. Leave all the practical stuff behind and just write for the love of it. I wish I could do that, just run away with my part-time lover who cannot promise me anything practical or pragmatic. To trust him that everything will be all right once I clamber behind him in his black Ducati and feel the wind on my face. To hold on to him tight while we careen down the winding roads of the Amalfi Coast.

What a dream, what a fantasy. Maybe one day. But right now, I have to prepare breakfast and yeah pack the damn bags. I'll come back to you later, mon amour, mi corazon, I shall return, I promise because the drudgery of life would be harder without you there.

Quezon's Game: A must watch for every Filipino

I just watched Quezon’s Game the other night and I can say that it is perhaps one of the best films I have watched in a while. It is a film inspired by the defiance of our former President Manuel Quezon to its former sovereign master, the US to let 1,200 Jews in the Philippines during the Holocaust. It is a film, cliché as may it sound will make any Filipino proud.

I came across this film when I saw some people lining up for it at the same time my husband and I were lining up to watch John Wick 3. We just came from New York where we couldn’t watch the latter because we had a 12 year old in tow. With our son at his Lola’s place, we were free to watch Keanu Reeves plow through dozens of assassins like him. Anyway, I got curious with Quezon’s film and when I browsed about it on the web, I decided to watch it.

There was only one theater left showing this film in our area because the summer films in Hollywood just arrived and filled the slots in our local cinemas. That’s too bad, this film deserved a longer run so more of our countrymen can watch it. I wonder if these theater owners have watched the film already because if they did than they should be ashamed of themselves for wanting more profits than instilling national pride. I mean one cinema for every major theater chain could have been enough to showcase the film.

Going back, Quezon’s Game not only prides itself with a compelling and inspiring story about the resoluteness and generosity of President Manuel Quezon but the film was also gifted with the fine performances of its actors. 

The foreign actors were convincing and definitely was given the part due to merit and not because they just looked Americans. Their dialogues were well-crafted thanks to a solid script, one of the best I’ve come across to in a while and even though there were more talk than action in this film, it was far from boring.

Raymond Bagatsing as President Quezon was a good choice because he embodied the role with conviction and vulnerability. It is complemented well by Rachel Alejandro’s moving portrayal of Quezon’s wife Aurora. The other Filipino actors like Audie Gemora also made me proud as they were as convincing as their foreign counterparts.

The cinematography of the film was a delight to watch. It showcased the beautiful grounds of Las Casas de Acuzar in Bataan where restored old houses stood and a place you can visit to see the grandeur of Old Manila. I have visited this place thrice and each visit was a feast for the eyes and heart of every Filipino like me. It was heartwarming to see it in an excellent film like this one.

One of the best scenes I liked was when President Quezon joked or instructed his Vice President, Sergio Osmena to piss in one of the toilets near the Oval Office if he can when he visits there. In his mind, it is a way of protest for making us Filipinos feel inferior since we are usually led to the back toilets labeled as Coloreds. He also emphasized the need of our country to be independent from foreign sovereignty to strengthen Filipino pride because he’d rather have a country run by hell by Filipinos than run like heaven by foreigners.

Sad to say, I know what President Quezon was talking about regarding discrimination. Even decades after, I still felt a sting of it in my latest travel to the US. I just came from New York and I don’t like the way some white people have a patronizing tone with us especially in stores or restaurants where they need to serve us. Some minorities too are guilty of this as well. Discrimination or racism does not have to be said aloud but it is palpable with the tone of the voice, a glance and a smirk. I have also felt this way in Hongkong. Discrimination was a just a concept in my mind before because we don’t have that in our country and when I felt it myself, it was not a nice feeling. You felt like your worth was being questioned and I felt pity for those who usually encounter it.

It is something I have always wanted to write about because it is wrong the way some foreigners label Filipinos like they are not worthy to be served or be shown respect to just because many of us work as domestic and overseas workers. I have always been proud of my countrymen who work hard to provide for their families. I feel their sacrifice and pain being away from their homeland and they deserve to be treated with admiration and dignity. We, Filipinos, overseas worker or not or even just tourists in another land deserve to be treated with hospitality and respect because we deserve that just like any other race.

I’m sorry for the digression but the movie reminded me of that awful feeling again. But then again, it also spurred me to uphold my national pride and re-evaluate what it means to be a Filipino. Our lack of discrimination to others have always been our source of strength as well as our generous spirit and this film can attest to that. President Quezon defied foreign powers and rallied the Filipino people to his cause and made a difference to the lives of the 1,200 Jews who were not welcomed in other countries. He fought for it because he felt that it was the right thing to do. He makes us proud to be Filipinos. Quezon’s game should therefore not be missed and is a must watch for every Filipino to remind them again that we, as a people should take pride in ourselves because it is our character that defines us from the rest.

The Ottoman Lieutenant: A momentary romantic escape from Netflix

 

I came upon this film while browsing Netflix. I passed it a couple of times before and though it piqued my interest, I told myself I’ll come back to it some other time. And that other time came the other day lying down exhausted from doing errands while my son played in his room.

 

I did not know anything about the movie, didn’t Google it even while watching it. Yes, I google movies I’m watching in Netflix even the series ones. But this one, I opted to just wait and see. Honestly, I was pleasantly surprised, I enjoyed it and thank God I didn’t read the critics’ review first which were kinda harsh, I mean some people can be quite cynical nowadays.  This is a love story in a time of war and I don’t want to focus much on its historical aspects because I’m watching it purely for its entertainment value. And yes, I liked it even if it was mushy, cheesy and had a simple storyline without too much character angst like they say.

 

  

This film is a romantic drama set during the advent of World War 1 in Anatolia with the American nurse, Lillie played by Hera Hilmar and Turkish Lieutenant, Ismail played by Michiel Huisman as protagonists. It was also a love triangle with an American doctor, Dr. Gresham played by Josh Harnett.

I especially liked the movie’s cinematography with its sweeping vistas of the various landscapes of Turkey. I liked how the director brought you inside the scenes and made you feel that you were there watching Lillie and Ismail fall in love. Memorable scenes for me were when they rode their horses and galloped together in an expansive field and when they rowed a little boat in a river where they had their first kiss. It felt silly feeling giddy inside like a teenager during that scene. Michiel Huisman as Ismail was just wow as this dashing lieutenant and Hera as Lillie was so pretty, you just wish you were her in that scene.  And of course, how can I forget their secret meeting, walking through the fishermen nets. That love scene was more romantic than exciting without exposing too much skin yet you still felt the longing they have for each other.

 

 

What I also liked about this film was that they had a strong female lead who knew what she wanted. Lillie went to Turkey to donate her departed brother’s truck and bring medical supplies and along the way had an unforgettable journey. She, like Bathsheba of Far from the Madding Crowd and Cora of The Last of the Mohicans movies will now become part of the ensemble of heroines I admire.

 

 

In the digital age where everything feels casual, even our views in love, watching this kind of movie makes me reminisce the days of old where love was not getting to know someone from their digital profile or conversations are through text. Well, I guess I’m still old school because I still remembered our time when a man calls you on the phone, asks you for a date, visits you in the house, brings you flowers and writes you love letters. I don’t know if kids still do these things but I’m glad I experienced those in my lifetime. And now that I’m neck-deep in adult responsibilities, movies like this momentarily takes me back in time where life was simple and romantic.

 

 

Making a stand

I am making a stand, right here, right now in my own little space in the blogosphere. I am appalled with what is happening in my country. The rush and secret burial of a dictator in the resting place of heroes have caused many a sleepless night last night like I did. We have long suffered idiotic, shameful braggadocio with words, deeds from this government and this is the most hurtful and treacherous so far.

 

As a woman, I have only my words and as a mother, a voice of concern for the future. Hatred has seeped many parts of the globe and my island nation is not spared. Internet trolls lurk the web, some paid while others delusional having drank too much of their master’s Kool aid ready to strike with their own vile and contemptuous words on poor enlightened commenters. These keyboard warriors use their gift of words to blackmail, humiliate others, twisting facts and feeding lies. What a shame.

 

And this is why I am writing this piece because I don’t want to stand here and just do nothing. I cannot be on the streets protesting this sinister burial because I’m caring for my son. I wish I could be there screaming my lungs out with fists outstretched. But I can’t so let me shout my defiance here. My outrage. My sadness. One hundred forty words in Twitter is not enough.

I love this country. I have been offered a chance to migrate after I got married but I refused. This is where I belong, the land of my birth where my son will grow up and my husband and I will grow old in. So it is sad that there is so much uncertainty right now. Many people voted for a Trojan horse, a messenger with a Pandora’s box.

 

Our country is suffering right now, the peso has depreciated and our sense of what’s right and wrong have been twisted. We are watching our countrymen being killed on the streets with plastered mouths and cardboards on their corpses. How did we let this happen? Was fear a factor? Intimidation from asshole trolls perhaps? But if we cower then they will continue on this twisted, evil path. Our country will suffer. Rising above this fear and letting our voices be heard is a start.

 

Because I was there in the Quirino grandstand with my father after the EDSA People Power revolution after Marcos fled the country and I saw the outrage of the people. Pictures of the Marcoses with fangs and horns were distributed and raised fists were a common sight. Now, all that seems forgotten. His burial in a plot reserved for heroes with a 21 gun salute is utter humiliation on our part as a people and it is a sad day for our country. It is a slap and a spit to Martial Law’s human rights victims. It is a shame and a disgrace.

So I will not stand here and do nothing. I will say my piece. I also  want the youth to realize that we should not let our land be devoured by a darkness so evil that our country would have a hard time to recover from. We should respond to it with our enlightened minds and fight until we are out of this darkness again. Let us fight to get back our sense of decency, civility and patriotism because we owe our Motherland that. No darkness should be allowed to cover our lands. Never again.

 

Realizations and stuff

 

I haven’t written in my blogs in a year because I had been busy with some “serious”  business stuff. I admit, I have neglected my writing. And now while I’m still recuperating from pneumonia after a brief hospital stay, I am going back to my first love, my refuge from all the hullabaloo of life, my writing. I am taking stock of what had happened to me and what is truly important to me.



Health really is wealth.

When I was standing by my hospital window and watched cars and people go by, I told myself, health indeed is a great equalizer because it doesn’t matter if you're confined in the grandest hospital room watched over by big shot specialist doctors  or in a public hospital ward with overflowing patients and minimal resources,  you're still not part of the daily hustle and bustle of humanity. You are still indisposed. You are in a pause mode until operational again.

Maybe I have pushed myself beyond exhaustion and have bombarded my mind with pragmatic thoughts, lying awake at night, analyzing the pros and cos of each decision with no time for leisure and fun. No time to even watch a movie or stroll in the mall. So I guess something had to give, my body had to slow me down. I mean when all is said and done, all the money in the world cannot reverse the abuse you have done to your body like eating unhealthy food or not taking enough rest or not having more positive thoughts to make your mind to be more at peace at night.

Right now, I have to push back on all the negativity that have arisen from my hospital stay and deluge of medical diagnosis from my rounds of different doctors from  pulmonologists, ENTs and IM doctors. I still have congestion in one ear and have bouts of breathlessness. I mean, I still have to push myself out of this dark, uncertain chapter of my life. I still have to slug through this and drag  myself out into the sun. But I believe my writing and going back to running could help and of course eating right and having enough rest. And how can I forget, lots of prayers too and imbibing more positive thoughts too J

 

Family is the best.

No matter how far away they are and no matter what happens, family will always be there if you need them. When the doctor said that I have to be confined, I immediately thought of my son and luckily my mother in law and my brother in law were there for assistance. They cared for him while I was away. My father also visited me often in the hospital and had been a source of inspiration. And of course, my husband, my tower of strength, my confidante and trusted ally and partner was there with me in the hospital while I battled that illness. But having my son away from me was heartbreaking, hearing his voice on the phone made my tears well up and watching him on Facetime or any video telling me to get well soon made me feel happy, sad and miserable at the same time. I can’t wait to go home again. Holed up in a hospital room, it made me think about the realities of life. You may have all the riches in the world and maybe fame but it will not compensate time away from the family.  You begin to realize what really matters in life.

Time is valuable

When I saw some results of my medical exam, I began to realize that time is passing by so fast there’s no need to procrastinate to do what you have to do in life. Our body is steadily aging, even if you feel fit and healthy.  You don’t have time to put things off, you have to pursue your dreams now. You have to try to reach what you’ve been aspiring for. Sometimes, we are so busy looking at other people’s lives and achievements that we forget to look at our own and pursue our own endeavors. But we have to because the clock is ticking. The time is now.

I’m writing this down so that I will not forget. The Christmas rush will be here soon and then the New Year. I should not forget to slow down and take stock of my life and be thankful for what I have at that moment, my health, my family and God willing, time to realize my dreams and my mission in life J 

Before We Go 2015: Emotionally intimate and moving

It’s been awhile since I’ve watched a movie that made me think and cry at same time. To look at your own life especially your past choices, your insecurities, your what might have beens, your little regrets. We live in a fast-paced world and sometimes the introspection of the choices we have made or not made in the past becomes forgotten. Films that make you do that  are commendable because it not only entertains you but makes you ponder and look at your life in the different perspective. Maybe that’s why indie films with only two characters  are more effective in giving you this kind of introspection. There are no sub-plots to distract you with, just two characters getting to know each other and you are also are getting to know with.

I didn’t know what to expect in this movie, Before We Go, the directorial debut of Chris Evans. But I like seeing a good looking couple on screen, a bearded, dashing Chris Evans paired with the gorgeous Alice Eve was quite a teaser already. I mean you just wanted them to end up together in a setting like the enigmatic New York City.

So when I started watching it and saw how emotionally intimate the scenes were and how true to life the dialogues were, I was drawn to it. And why not, the film had an intimate feel to it like watching two strangers pouring out their sadness, their insecurities, their joys, dreams and secrets to each other. It was moving and romantic. No histrionics or sweeping grand gestures just two people walking in the wee hours of New York city having some adventure together.

I love how the script had a realistic feel to it.  It’s irritating how you can relate to some of the dialogues like how you would feel when you see your ex after a long time or how you would react when betrayed by the love of your life. But more than that, what I love about the film is how you see the characters realize the fears they were running from and how in each other they began to have the courage to face it. I mean how can you not be moved by that.

I don’t care about what they say about the film but I had many realizations here. That sometimes, we are not ready for the good things in life because we refuse to let go of our ideal versions of the past, our ideal versions of our love ones even if they have changed or the situations have changed. We refuse to let it go even if it’s not working anymore. Often,  it’s a battle with yourself with what you want to be and what the situation really is.

I had been in that crossroads before and you really have to look inside yourself and weigh in your heart if the person is still worth it or is costing you your self-esteem or your value as a person. Me, I had been in a relationship where I stayed too long because I was afraid I would not be loved again. I had been afraid to let go because I thought he would be the only person who would love me and accept me because I had been rejected in the past. I hung on because I was scared even if the situation was not ideal anymore and my feelings have changed. It’s not easy to let go of what you’re used to or of change and risk. And I was wrong, someone loved me for me without great personal cost. I’m glad that I took the plunge and I had no regrets.

Anyway, I just love a film that can make the audience think about their own life even if the ending was like the ending of some short story,  an open-ended one. Why ?! J But still, it was moving. So, Mr. Evans, I thank you for that, great directorial debut and thank you for translating these good writers’ work into film, I think you nailed it. And I truly agree what your character, Nick said on the last part of the film, “… then thank her for showing you that you could love more than one person in this life.” I truly believe that and I truly believe you are also a hopeless romantic like me J