The Best of This is a Crazy Planets by Lourd Ernest H. de Veyra: Acerbic and Funny

I wanted to write about this book immediately after reading it because it’s one of the most hilarious local book I’ve read in a while. I have always been a fan of nonfiction and collected essays like those of columnist, Jessica Zafra and my favorite Filipina writer, the late Kerima Polotan.

So this was a real treat. But writing about a book with an author who drops quotations from Oscar Wilde and Chekhov and can write in the vernacular as if he was just a local “kanto boy” and not educated in one of the top schools of the country with a journalism degree is honestly, intimidating. Because more than that, he is a multi-awarded Palanca winner too.

Compared to him, my prose reads juvenile, like a poser, unworthy of giving comments to his book. To write well in English and Filipino with humorous sarcasm is genius. Honestly, I haven’t encountered anyone who writes well in both languages, I mean one that is relatable and entertaining, not purely high brow. And to write like he does, you must have a good grasp of both languages and a strong pulse of the Filipino culture.

Anyway, I saw his book on my way to the counter of National Bookstore. I got curious when I read a caption on the blurb, “Umasal Lamang Nang Ayon sa Ganda” loosely translated as “Act according to your level of beauty” Okay, the translation doesn’t sound as good, it lacks punch. But it piqued my interest so I bought it.

When I read that post, it’s like whoa! Who the hell tells you that? To “berate” you for acting bratty or entitled, reminding you that your beauty didn’t launch a million spaceships so please act accordingly.  The nerve right? But I found it hilarious…the gall of this man to tell Filipina women who spent thousands downing glutathione pills, lathering whitening lotion on their skin and primping themselves to their heart’s content to act according to their level beauty? Well, he just did. You either love him or hate him on this piece. 

Then he also talks about other things like the Pacquiaos:

 ”This is the Philippines, where the boundaries between showbiz, sports and politics become blurry by the television minute. We cannot seem to be content with the idea of the champion achieving superhuman greatness all by himself. We like to humanize him. It also helps that the mother is quite a character, whose praying-and-braying-and “Omigod-I’m-having-a seizure” act matches the intensity of her son’s title match.”

And one of my favorites, his “Taxi Drivers from Hell”

“This is the ironclad rule of life: at that moment when you desperately, piss-in-your-pants need a cab, you’ll never get one. When you don’t they’re all meekly parading in front of you.”

“,,some of the major cabbie classifications: The Hustler- Like beasts of prey they’ll pounce on you when you’re desperate and helpless-i.e. laden with 10 shopping bags and big-ass pizza box. And it’s raining. Sonofabitch will charge P400 for a ride that costs only P60. There is a wonderful place in hell reserved for these lovable creatures.”

And before Pnoy became president, he had this piece, “On Noynoy and Kris: Shup Up, Little Sister”

“Noynoy isn’t even President but instead of platform and agenda for changes, all his youngest sister can ever talk about is his receding hairline, his awful pleated pants, and how she’s consulting with comedian and wig-store owner Arnell Ignacio about matters follicular.”

“…we can’t help but give the following suggestions should he become the second President Aquino:

-          Issue gag order on youngest sister-on whatever subject. Especially that schtick about her being a young Ninoy and her mother’s favorite: Before she completely smears family name.

-          Exile youngest sister to obscure African country (preferably one with a protractedly bloody civil strife) if she does not shut up.

-          On second thought: just banish youngest sister, given her propensity for periodic involvements in truly embarrassing scandals."

There are still a lot of hilarious pieces written well in both English and Filipino, those with shards of truth about Filipino culture and society dressed in caustic humor. It’s one of the most entertaining Filipino essay collection I have ever read, something I won’t mind reading again when I’m bored waiting in line (yes, I also read standing up) or when I want to cheer myself up after my son’s passing tantrums. It’s one of those books I don’t always come across with, acerbic and funny.